Praise Him When I'm Up! Praise Him When I'm Down!!

That has been my motto for a while now and this week that is exactly what I had to do. I was so bummed last week. I was excited that my beta had doubled last Wednesday and that I started the Lovenox but Wednesday night I started to bleed. Very little. But it was definitely red. It got a little heavier Thursday and a little heavier Friday. I decided Friday night that I might like to buy a new embroidery machine. I have been doing A LOT of contact work for a sign company here in town. My little machine just wasn't cutting it. I wanted to go to the shop in Meridian where I bought my first machine and I also wanted to see my Mom. I needed my Mom. I got up early last Saturday morning and drove to Meridian and bought a new machine!!! I bought a Brother PR-620. It is a 6 needle machine!! I love it. We have spent all week setting it up and organizing my sewing room. I finally got to stitch some tonight and I LOVE IT!!! Saturday I started bleeding pretty heavy and it only increased on Sunday. Monday morning I took another pregnancy test and it was very dark. I got my beta redrawn Monday morning and it was 64.1. The nurse said it was still good. It had increased by about 64% every two days. She said it wasn't ideal by any means but it was still good. She said they like to see at least 60%. Bleeding slowed down on Monday and Tuesday but about 3:30 Monday afternoon I felt this HUGE gush (TMI - I'm sssooo sorry). I was bleeding VERY heavy. I was scared. I came home and it didn't stop so I paged the nurse on call and Dr. Isaacs called me back. He told me to stop all of my medicine and to call them the next day. They called me about 7:30 the next morning and by then the bleeding had stopped. The nurse told me to come in that afternoon (Wednesday) and have my levels redrawn if I wanted to - it was totally up to me. So you know what I did - I took my 9th trip to Dr. I's office this month. The level had dropped to 34. I stopped all medication and I am to go back to the office on Tuesday morning to have the level redrawn and when it gets to negative we will sit down and discuss where we go from here. Thanks everyone for all of your prayers this week! I am of course sad but I am going to make it!!

Heavy Heart

I write tonight with a heavy heart. It has been a long week. Last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I got positive pregnancy tests. I didn't tell anyone. They were faint but definitely positive. Monday I went in for my already scheduled beta. It was 7.2 . I knew it would be low but not that low. Mondays HPT was negative. I was devastated. I knew I was having my 4th miscarriage. The doctors office confirmed it for me. The hardest part was that I got the call while sitting in the hospital room of a friend who had just delivered her baby. Pretty ironic, huh. Dr. I's office told me to come back on Wednesday for a recheck of my hcg levels. I didn't test anymore. Well, Wednesday morning I started spotting brown. I had had some off and on brown spotting since Sunday but nothing bad. Wednesday it was fairly consistent. I knew the news would be bad. But the call came in and my levels actually DOUBLED.....I couldn't believe it, neither could the nurse. She said maybe I had miscarried a twin and that this one implanted late. Wednesday was 17dpiui so even with levels doubling, 16 was not a good number. I started Lovenox anyway. Yesterday brown some red spotting and today I am bleeding. No clots, but a light red bleeding. I go back Monday to recheck the hcg. I know it won't be good. I haven't tested since Thursday. I will test again in the morning. I can't help but think had I started the Lovenox last weekend things might be different.

I am headed home to see Mom for a long weekend tomorrow. I think I am going to buy a new embroidery machine. I have to go back to Dr. I Monday morning for another beta.....

I am so tired. So tired of infertility. So tired of meds and shots and tempting and ultrasounds and triggers and IUIs.....tired. I am so tired of being strong..of feeling like I have to be strong.....

10 dpiui

Hanging in there.....

Test was negative today. I know, still early. Cramping a little tonight and oh my goodness, my boobs have been KILLING me all day. I know it is from the Prometrium, but man did it hit it hard when they started hurting. It is all of a sudden and I have been on the Prometrium for a week now.

P4

My progesterone level was >20 today. YEA!!!! I wish I knew exactly how high it was but the machine stops counting at 20 at my RE's office.

I got to spend several hours with my really great friend, Meg, and her daughter Katie Margaret today. I love you guys and miss you so much!!! Can't wait until our next visit!!

Happy Anniversary to Me!!!

And Burt too I guess!! The scanner is down or I could scan a pic from our wedding to show you. Maybe tomorrow!!! Today marks 6 glorious years that Burt and I have been married!!! Everyday gets better and better!! I love you, Babe!!!

I am a HORRIBLE friend

OK, Saturday we took the youth from the church canoeing on the Okatoma. I didn't get to canoe. I just rode the bus down and back and Mom met us and we went shopping. The kids had a GREAT time. I wish I could have gone but I didn't know how overstimulated I might be so I didn't want to push myself. There is a little white water on the Okatoma.

Sunday we drove to Laurel to a funeral. Burt's college roommate, Chip's, mother died. She had a massive heart attack on Thursday so we drove down after the IUI on Sunday.

The IUI went well. The count was 408 million - a new record for Burt!!! It was way cool - we got to see the washed sperm under a microscope. They were swimming everywhere!!! Now, let's just hope and pray they met an egg!!!

I have to start Prometrium (200mg 2 x day vaginally - progesterone support) tomorrow!! YUCK!! I remember these from my last pregnancy. I will go back to the doctor on Monday for a progesterone check and then the following Monday (18th) for a pregnancy test. They told me I could cheat beforehand so that I would be prepared for the phone call. I really don't want to drive down there if it is going to be negative.

Now for the post title. I feel horrible. Remember my friend Susan. I directed/decorated her wedding last August. She told me today that she is pregnant. I am super excited for her. I wish I could be more excited though. There is a part of me that is jealous, angry. This was the first month that they "tried". I feel horrible for having these feelings but I can't control them. She was super nice and sensitive when she told me - she was scared to tell me. I handled it well and didn't cry for several hours later - in my car on the way home from work. Why do I have to be jealous?? I hate that word - JEALOUS. It sounds horrible. I know I suffer from infertility for a reason. Maybe it is to get over being jealous of other people. Although I have never thought of myself as the jealous type. Maybe it is as simple as I am now scarred and infertility will always be a part of me.

Of please God let this be my month!!!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

IUI #5

It has been scheduled for Sunday at 11:30. I will trigger tonight. I have 3 GREAT eggs in the 19-21 range and 6 more in the 13-16 range and several more that are below 10.

Keep us in your prayers while you are at church Sunday!!!