Heavy Heart

I write tonight with a heavy heart. It has been a long week. Last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I got positive pregnancy tests. I didn't tell anyone. They were faint but definitely positive. Monday I went in for my already scheduled beta. It was 7.2 . I knew it would be low but not that low. Mondays HPT was negative. I was devastated. I knew I was having my 4th miscarriage. The doctors office confirmed it for me. The hardest part was that I got the call while sitting in the hospital room of a friend who had just delivered her baby. Pretty ironic, huh. Dr. I's office told me to come back on Wednesday for a recheck of my hcg levels. I didn't test anymore. Well, Wednesday morning I started spotting brown. I had had some off and on brown spotting since Sunday but nothing bad. Wednesday it was fairly consistent. I knew the news would be bad. But the call came in and my levels actually DOUBLED.....I couldn't believe it, neither could the nurse. She said maybe I had miscarried a twin and that this one implanted late. Wednesday was 17dpiui so even with levels doubling, 16 was not a good number. I started Lovenox anyway. Yesterday brown some red spotting and today I am bleeding. No clots, but a light red bleeding. I go back Monday to recheck the hcg. I know it won't be good. I haven't tested since Thursday. I will test again in the morning. I can't help but think had I started the Lovenox last weekend things might be different.

I am headed home to see Mom for a long weekend tomorrow. I think I am going to buy a new embroidery machine. I have to go back to Dr. I Monday morning for another beta.....

I am so tired. So tired of infertility. So tired of meds and shots and tempting and ultrasounds and triggers and IUIs.....tired. I am so tired of being strong..of feeling like I have to be strong.....