Day 31......

Day 31 and still no period. Pregnancy test is negative. I wish this cycle would be over and a new one start. Maybe tomorrow........

Day 30....and holding

I haven't written b/c I thought if I waited I might have something, anything to talk about. Nothing. AF should have started yesterday but today is Day 30 and still no AF. No sign of her in sight. It is really frustrating me b/c I am anxious to start a new cycle. Plus, if I don't start soon my fertile time (if I even have one this month) will be when hubby and I are at my Mom's house for Christmas. I guess there is no hope for December. Maybe January.

I never imagined the emotional roller coaster that trying to conceive would be. I never thought I would see "infertile" on the diagnosis in my doctor’s files. I resent mothers, especially moths who are close to my age (27) and are having baby #2 or #3. I resent young pregnant women in the mall, out at restaurants, at the doctor’s office. It hurts so bad when I hear someone say "I never thought I would get pregnant. It took me 2 whole months". I hear this often and thsi is 2 years and 2 months for me. Sometimes I feel like pregnant women are flaunting their bellies when they rubbing (physically rub it) it in my face.

I just have so much resentment. So much anger. So much jealously - yes jealously built up inside me right now. Maybe this month............

History

I am your typical all-American girl. Former Cheerleader, Former basketball player, Current horse back rider and avid tennis player. Went to college, met an AWESOME guy, got married, got the MBA. Decided to have babies. Had my whole life planned out. It should have been simple. I should have 2 children by now....at least that was what I thought. I had always had BIG problems with my monthly cycle. At 16, I was put on birth control to control my periods. I was having one every two weeks. At 20, the pills quit working and I was put on Depo-Provera injections every 4 months. Still not good enought so I took them every 3 months. This lasted until I was 24. I was finishing graduate school, had one semester left, and decided to start trying to have a baby. We tried but not super aggressively for a while. July 22nd of 2005 I lost baby #1 just as soon as I found out I was pregnant. My Dr. said that it was a fluke and to keep trying. By October I had had enough. One year and nothing but heartbreak. My Dr. started me on clomid on Halloween 2005. I did not respond the first month to 50mg (my levels came back at 9.2). We upped my dosage to 100mg. It worked for 6 consecutive cycles. I super ovulated. One month my progesterone came back at 53. Got our hopes up every month, but nothing. Then on the last cycle before we were due to take a break from the clomid, there it was 2 pink lines. Strong ones too. It was Mother's Day 2006. I thought what a perfect day to find out. We were super excited but didn't tell anyone out of fear of what would happen. We went in for an unltrasound at 6 wk 1 day. Nothing. Went back 2 days later and saw a small sac and my HCG had doubled to 1700. Went back 2 days later and HCG was only 2200 and we wouldn't see the sac anymore. At 8 weeks we lost Baby #2. HCG at 4400. It took about 2 months before I actually passed the baby. I was given a shot of methotrexate. We spent the summer on birth control b/c of the shot and took this time to run some genetic tests. We found out that I have a genetic disorder that causes my blood to clot too quickly and therefore my body attacks anything foreighn (hence the baby). Dr. says that he has had 9 pateints with this condition and all have gone on to have healthy babies. I will have to take heparin injections 2x/day once we ffind out I am pregnant. Now you are caught up. November was my first cycle back on clomid. We started on 100mg. I was so sure I had ovulated and I really thought I was pregnant. Last Friday I had my progesterone run on Day 21 and it came back at 5.5 Didn't ovulate. I was so depressed and discouraged. My Dr. says that this next month we will go up to 150mg. Maybe this month......