I'm Still Alive

I'm back home and back at work. I had the D&C last Monday and went home with Mom after the surgery. Everything went well. I had some blood pressure problems but they got it under control in a fairly short time. Christmas was good. I, of course, lost it on Christmas Eve. Luckily only Mom and Burt were there. Christmas Day was better. Everyday has gotten easier. Dr. Connell called me Sunday night and said my pathology report came back but it didn't show anything. I will go back for my Post-Op on Monday and I guess go back to Dr. Isaacs from there. Dr. Kutteh called and said to start the heparin the day of the IUI next time.

Other than that - I'm just sewing away. That is all I did before Christmas. I thought I was done but I came home to 3 more big orders. I don't mind though - it's paying off my machine!!!!

HCG 169

D & C Monday



Aunt Betty is in rehab and doing GREAT!!! Thank you all so much for all of your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming.

HCG 145

I went back to the doctor today to get another beta HCG run. It was supposed to be 0 but it was 145. Not sure what we are dealing with here. We know it is not a viable pregnancy. We just don't know if it is in my uterus or tubes. I will go back on Friday to repeat the HCG and maybe an ultrasound and if I haven't started bleeding or spotting or if my levels haven't gone down then I will have a D&C early next week.

I talked to Dr. Isaacs, Dr. Connell, and Dr. Kutteh today. Dr. Kutteh says that next injectibles/IUI round to start heparin on day of IUI.

IUI #6 - 17 dpiui - Beta #2

16

Miscarriage #5

Aunt Betty is much better. I spent the day at the hospital with her. The doctor said that if someone has to have a stroke where she had it is the right place in her brain.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers!!

Aunt Betty

My aunt appears to have had a massive stroke. Her brain is still bleeding and now she is having seizures. She has woken up but she doesn't know anyone. They have sedated her again and put her on a ventilator to transfer her to a bigger hospital - in Jackson. Unfortunately, when they got ready to put her on the ambulance the hospital called and said the bed they had for her had been taken by another patient. That was at 2:00 this afternoon. They still haven't transferred her. They are starting to look at other hospitals but are hoping to transfer her on during the night.

Please keep her, my Uncle Mantel, and my entire family in your prayers.

IUI #6 - 15 dpiui - Beta #1

19.5....CRAP!!! Very low...not as low as last time but still very low.

My Mom called tonight. My great-aunt - who with her husband never had any children and therefore treated us like we were their grandchildren - had surgery today to remove pins from her broken arm, had a stroke when she was waking up from surgery and hasn't woken up yet. They did get her awake briefly but she was incoherent. My uncle is all alone at the hospital in Starkville and just called us and it will take 3 hours to get there for any of us so we are all trying to decide what to do. Burt and I want to go right now but with the day we have had, no one really wants us traveling. Please keep my family in your prayers tonight.

IUI #6 - 10dpiui

HPT negative today so trigger is finally out of my system. Beta is scheduled for Monday. This past Monday my P4 > 20.

I had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving with my family and then Monday night we had ornament exchange at church!! It was so much fun!! So many tears shed over what the past year has brought so many people - blessings and heartaches!!!

For Melissa

Melissa,

Please email me at bethflanagan79@yahoo.com

To try to answer your questions I need to ask you a few....

1) How long are your cycles? If you are using an OPK you should start testing around cd 11 or 12. 18 is WAY to late.

2) Where do you live and are you using an OB/GYN or a Reproductive Endocrinologist?

3) About clomid and trigger. You most definitely can use clomid and take a trigger shot that same cycle. After we realized that clomid wasn't going to work for me I moved on to Letrozole, which is basically the same thing as clomid but works differently. The first IUI with Letrozole I used an OPK before the IUI. I got pregnant on that cycle. The other Letrozole/IUI cycles I used a trigger shot. My RE would do vaginal ultrasounds to check my follicle growth until ovulation. When he thought I was ready, I would trigger and then have the IUI 36 hours later.

I know how hard this is for you and not having anyone who can relate can make this even harder. Please know that my husband and I are praying for you and feel free to ask us questions ANYTIME!!!

IUI #6 - 1dpiui

I had the IUI yesterday. Everything went well. Burt's count was 498 million. My favorite nurse did it and it didn't hurt much at all. I then went shopping with Mama, Amy, Todd, and Noah while Burt and Eli went to the church to pick up the bus and the youth - we went to the Third Day Concert last night. It was AWESOME!!! I think I ovulated around 4:00 pm yesterday b/c all of a sudden I was doubled over with cramps - not pain - just really hard CRAMPS. Now we wait....

Eli and I have been hanging out and relaxing all day. We didn't get home till 1:30 am so he slept until 11:00 this morning. Friends are coming over tonight to play the Wii.

Ugh!!!

I have been feeling queasy for 4 days along with the headaches. At 9:30 last night I started vomiting. I feel better so far this morning - just weak!!

Trigger Tonight

I went for my follicle check yesterday!!! My lining was at 9 and I had 9 follicle. The left had sizes 10, 10, 10, 15, 15, 16 and the right had 12, 13, 14. I will trigger tonight and have the IUI Sunday at 9 AM and my favorite nurse Kathryn gets to do it!!!

I am about to complain for a minute - but please don't think I am simply "complaining". I am writing this down in my "journal" - my blog. I feel terrible. I have been queasy for 4 days and have had a migraine for 2. I have no idea what it is. I didn't feel this way with the last shot cycle.

IUI #6 - cd 7

Still taking the Repronex. My tummy is killing me - not that I am complaining, but it does hurt really bad.

I did something today that some of my friends and family think I shouldn't have done. I called my OB/GYN. I wanted to see what gender the baby was that I lost in February. They did genetics tests so I knew they would know. The nurse told me that they didn't tell me - they were waiting for me to ask. They didn't want to add salt to my wounds. Well......it was a little girl. I'm glad I found out but it is a little bittersweet. I will take whatever I can get and BE THRILLED - but my dream has always been to have a little curly red-headed girl. I'm ok. In fact I was fine talking to a friend who was with me when the nurse called and I was fine talking to the nurse. I didn't get upset until I told Burt. He was pretty upset. I think just b/c it was almost like it wasn't real at times, but now it is. Now I wonder what the other 3 are but of ocurse, I can never know. It's easier that way - in a way. Knowing that I had the option of knowing and didn't know killed me. But it doesn't really bother me that I don't know the others - I guess becuase I know that I CAN'T know.

2 more shots until my follicle check!!!

My husband is in the kitchen making me homemade potato soup for supper - YUM!!!

IUI#6 - cd 5

I went to the doctor on Friday for an ovary check and estrogen and FSH check. Everything was fine and I started my Repronex injections Friday night. I had the third one tonight!! I will go back to the doctor Thursday for a follicle check and will have the IUI probably sometime next weekend!!

Friday we went to the MPSA Class AAA Division 2 State Football Championship and we won!! Go Gens!!! 3 of the youth at our church play and we are so proud of them!!!

We decorated some more for Christmas this weekend. I am almost done. I don't want to post any pictures until I am completely done though.

I have jury duty tomorrow. I hope I am not seated as a juror. It's not that I just don't want to do jury duty but with my cycle this is not a good week!!! I have a letter from my doctor so I hope that is enough to get me out of it!!

Info

Dr. Kutteh's office called and all of my labwork is back and everything was normal except for the MTHFR and Antiphospholipid antibodies. YAY!!! Not that its good that those are bad - but we knew about those 2 so yay that nothing else is wrong.

My cycle started today so I am going to see DR. Isaacs on Friday to have my ultrasound and labwork to start the Repronex injections Friday night - IUI sometime next week!!!

My sister's MTHFRE labwork came back today - she has the EXACT mutations I do....apparently very rare. Her's are just not active. She is now on the aspirin and folgard daily!!!!

I have pictures of our house but I still haven't gotten them off of the camera - maybe this weekend!!!

Nothing New

Burt and I put up 2 of our 3 Christmas trees last weekend. I am finishing the last one tonight. Our house is a wreck - Christmas boxes/decorations EVERYWHERE!! I am working on my ornaments for ornament exchange at church too!! I will post pics of all of this when I get the house clean. I went to Mistletoe Marketplace with Mom and Amy yesterday. We had a BLAST!! After we finished there - we went shopping all over Jackson!!

Still waiting for my cycle to start - should be soon!!! Once it starts I have been given the go-ahead to do another Repronex/IUI cycle!!

Appt with Dr. Kutteh

I went to Memphis yesterday to see Dr. Kutteh. I apologize for the late update but this was too long to text to some of you and we didn't get home until midnight last night and then Mom didn't leave until 2:00 today!!!

Dr. Kutteh is very optimistic about my chances of carrying to term. He said that my MTHFR (the first clotting disorder they found) is worse than we thought. He said that when I walked into his office yesterday that I had a 20% chance of carrying a baby to term. He gave me some medication and said if I take it I will have a 75% chance of carrying to term - which is the same chance as any healthy 30 year old woman. So if I take my medicine - I will be NORMAL!!!

Now for the medicine. I am to continue taking my Primacare One (pre-natal vitamin), baby aspirin, and Synthroid (thyroid medicine) everyday but I am to add 1 Folgard Rx pill a day. This has 2.2 mg of Folic Acid, B6 and B12. When I get pregnant - I am to continue the Primacare One and aspirin but increase synthroid and increase the Folgard to 2 pills a day. I am also to use heparin twice a day instead of Lovenox once per day. Dr. Kutteh himself has been conducting research on this.

He said that as soon as my next cycle starts - in about a month - I can start trying again.

He said had I carried my previous 4 pregnancies to term the babies would have died after birth from neural tube defects.

What is this???

My period has started - on cd 18!!! My cycles are usually about 31 days. Anyone who has had a scope - did it mess up your cycle????

Ugh

Long Day.

We had our first trunk show. It was a small one and we made about $300. Not too bad...

My mitochondrial bacteria swab test came back negative - that is good.

A student at school tonight announced to me and the class that I don;t understand what it means to be stressed because I "don't got no kids".

Friend at church is pregnant. And I wouldn't mind so much, but her husband told her he didn't want anymore children (they have 1) and she announced to us that she didn't care - he doesn't control that - she does. That really makes me angry when women act like that. You are a TEAM!!!

Uterine Evaluation

The uterine evaluation went well. My uterus is perfect. There was not even any scar tissue from the previous miscarriages. It was very painful because they had trouble finding my cervix. While I was there they went ahead and took a swab from my cervix to culture for mitochondrial bacteria. IF it comes back positive I will have to take some antibiotics.

Uterine Evaluation

My uterine evaluation (scope) is scheduled for Wednesday at 10:00 am.

Always the Aunt

I guess I will always be the Aunt - it's apparently what I do best!!! Burt's sister is pregnant and having a boy!

New Business

I have gone into business with a friend - that is why I haven't been blogging much. Between my full-time job, my part-time teaching job, and opening the business, I have been EXTREMELY busy!!! Our business isn't COMPLETELY open yet. we have a booth setup in my partner's sign shop. Our business is called Cutie Patootie!!! We specialize in personalized/monogrammed gifts. We are currently having home parties!! If you live within a couple of hours of me and want to host a party - let me know!!!! We take orders and you and your guests will receive it within a couple of weeks. We have gifts for all ages/sexes!!!

Dr. Isaacs office called me on Monday. Dr. Kutteh's office needs me to have a uterine evaluation before I come to see him on the 21st. The uterine evaluation consists of a cystoscopy and hysteroscopy. They will be done in the office and I will be awake. Now, the nurse says it only takes a few minutes and doesn't hurt bad, but I am a little nervous about a camera going into the Netherregions and filling up my uterus with water while I am awake. I have no idea when I will have this done. It has to be done between when my period finishes and ovulation. My cycle started today so I figure I will have it done sometime late next week!!!

GREAT news!!!

Burt and I got our karyotyping results back today and it was completely normal. we are genetically compatible. We can continue trying to have children!!!!

Updates

WOW!!! It has been a crazy busy month!!! Not a lot has happened - it has just been busy!!! Mom and the boys were here this weekend. We had so much fun.

On the fertility front - nothing has changed. I went back to see Dr. Isaacs on September 3 and he did a karyotyping type but it is not back yet. He also referred me to another specialist - one that specializes in Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. Dr. Kutteh is in Memphis. I will go see him on October 21st and I can't wait. The way Dr. I explained it to me is that Dr. Kutteh will run some tests and see if he can find the "missing puzzle piece" and then I will go back to Dr. I for treatment. I will keep you posted as it goes.

Burt just left for Nashville. He is going to a Youth Minister's Leadership Conference at Lifeway this week!!

To Answer Comments

First of all, who left me the comment with another doctor's contact information?

Also, Heather, yes, I was on Prometrium 200mg twice a day from IUI until this past week and I was having my progesterone checked along with the beta's and everything looked GREAT!! I thought maybe my progesterone was low too, but it kept coming back fine!! Who knows!!!

Thanks everyone for your prayers and support!!

Praise Him When I'm Up! Praise Him When I'm Down!!

That has been my motto for a while now and this week that is exactly what I had to do. I was so bummed last week. I was excited that my beta had doubled last Wednesday and that I started the Lovenox but Wednesday night I started to bleed. Very little. But it was definitely red. It got a little heavier Thursday and a little heavier Friday. I decided Friday night that I might like to buy a new embroidery machine. I have been doing A LOT of contact work for a sign company here in town. My little machine just wasn't cutting it. I wanted to go to the shop in Meridian where I bought my first machine and I also wanted to see my Mom. I needed my Mom. I got up early last Saturday morning and drove to Meridian and bought a new machine!!! I bought a Brother PR-620. It is a 6 needle machine!! I love it. We have spent all week setting it up and organizing my sewing room. I finally got to stitch some tonight and I LOVE IT!!! Saturday I started bleeding pretty heavy and it only increased on Sunday. Monday morning I took another pregnancy test and it was very dark. I got my beta redrawn Monday morning and it was 64.1. The nurse said it was still good. It had increased by about 64% every two days. She said it wasn't ideal by any means but it was still good. She said they like to see at least 60%. Bleeding slowed down on Monday and Tuesday but about 3:30 Monday afternoon I felt this HUGE gush (TMI - I'm sssooo sorry). I was bleeding VERY heavy. I was scared. I came home and it didn't stop so I paged the nurse on call and Dr. Isaacs called me back. He told me to stop all of my medicine and to call them the next day. They called me about 7:30 the next morning and by then the bleeding had stopped. The nurse told me to come in that afternoon (Wednesday) and have my levels redrawn if I wanted to - it was totally up to me. So you know what I did - I took my 9th trip to Dr. I's office this month. The level had dropped to 34. I stopped all medication and I am to go back to the office on Tuesday morning to have the level redrawn and when it gets to negative we will sit down and discuss where we go from here. Thanks everyone for all of your prayers this week! I am of course sad but I am going to make it!!

Heavy Heart

I write tonight with a heavy heart. It has been a long week. Last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I got positive pregnancy tests. I didn't tell anyone. They were faint but definitely positive. Monday I went in for my already scheduled beta. It was 7.2 . I knew it would be low but not that low. Mondays HPT was negative. I was devastated. I knew I was having my 4th miscarriage. The doctors office confirmed it for me. The hardest part was that I got the call while sitting in the hospital room of a friend who had just delivered her baby. Pretty ironic, huh. Dr. I's office told me to come back on Wednesday for a recheck of my hcg levels. I didn't test anymore. Well, Wednesday morning I started spotting brown. I had had some off and on brown spotting since Sunday but nothing bad. Wednesday it was fairly consistent. I knew the news would be bad. But the call came in and my levels actually DOUBLED.....I couldn't believe it, neither could the nurse. She said maybe I had miscarried a twin and that this one implanted late. Wednesday was 17dpiui so even with levels doubling, 16 was not a good number. I started Lovenox anyway. Yesterday brown some red spotting and today I am bleeding. No clots, but a light red bleeding. I go back Monday to recheck the hcg. I know it won't be good. I haven't tested since Thursday. I will test again in the morning. I can't help but think had I started the Lovenox last weekend things might be different.

I am headed home to see Mom for a long weekend tomorrow. I think I am going to buy a new embroidery machine. I have to go back to Dr. I Monday morning for another beta.....

I am so tired. So tired of infertility. So tired of meds and shots and tempting and ultrasounds and triggers and IUIs.....tired. I am so tired of being strong..of feeling like I have to be strong.....

10 dpiui

Hanging in there.....

Test was negative today. I know, still early. Cramping a little tonight and oh my goodness, my boobs have been KILLING me all day. I know it is from the Prometrium, but man did it hit it hard when they started hurting. It is all of a sudden and I have been on the Prometrium for a week now.

P4

My progesterone level was >20 today. YEA!!!! I wish I knew exactly how high it was but the machine stops counting at 20 at my RE's office.

I got to spend several hours with my really great friend, Meg, and her daughter Katie Margaret today. I love you guys and miss you so much!!! Can't wait until our next visit!!

Happy Anniversary to Me!!!

And Burt too I guess!! The scanner is down or I could scan a pic from our wedding to show you. Maybe tomorrow!!! Today marks 6 glorious years that Burt and I have been married!!! Everyday gets better and better!! I love you, Babe!!!

I am a HORRIBLE friend

OK, Saturday we took the youth from the church canoeing on the Okatoma. I didn't get to canoe. I just rode the bus down and back and Mom met us and we went shopping. The kids had a GREAT time. I wish I could have gone but I didn't know how overstimulated I might be so I didn't want to push myself. There is a little white water on the Okatoma.

Sunday we drove to Laurel to a funeral. Burt's college roommate, Chip's, mother died. She had a massive heart attack on Thursday so we drove down after the IUI on Sunday.

The IUI went well. The count was 408 million - a new record for Burt!!! It was way cool - we got to see the washed sperm under a microscope. They were swimming everywhere!!! Now, let's just hope and pray they met an egg!!!

I have to start Prometrium (200mg 2 x day vaginally - progesterone support) tomorrow!! YUCK!! I remember these from my last pregnancy. I will go back to the doctor on Monday for a progesterone check and then the following Monday (18th) for a pregnancy test. They told me I could cheat beforehand so that I would be prepared for the phone call. I really don't want to drive down there if it is going to be negative.

Now for the post title. I feel horrible. Remember my friend Susan. I directed/decorated her wedding last August. She told me today that she is pregnant. I am super excited for her. I wish I could be more excited though. There is a part of me that is jealous, angry. This was the first month that they "tried". I feel horrible for having these feelings but I can't control them. She was super nice and sensitive when she told me - she was scared to tell me. I handled it well and didn't cry for several hours later - in my car on the way home from work. Why do I have to be jealous?? I hate that word - JEALOUS. It sounds horrible. I know I suffer from infertility for a reason. Maybe it is to get over being jealous of other people. Although I have never thought of myself as the jealous type. Maybe it is as simple as I am now scarred and infertility will always be a part of me.

Of please God let this be my month!!!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

IUI #5

It has been scheduled for Sunday at 11:30. I will trigger tonight. I have 3 GREAT eggs in the 19-21 range and 6 more in the 13-16 range and several more that are below 10.

Keep us in your prayers while you are at church Sunday!!!

CD 9

We had a wonderful time at the beach. I didn't want to come back!!! But I did.

I went to the doctor the day we left because my cycle had not started and I didn't want to have to drive 5 hours from the beach to Jackson if my cycle started and cd3 fell when we were gone. We did an ultrasound that day as well as checked my estrogen and FSH levels. Both levels came back fine and my ovaries are normal. So they gave me the go ahead and start the Repronex shots on cd 3. I started last Friday. I went to the doctor yesterday (cd8) and repeated the labwork and ultrasound. I had about 8 follicles between 13-16mm and my lining was at 10mm. I will go back tomorrow and have it all repeated again and then probably trigger tomorrow night or Saturday night!!!

Crazy Busy

It has been crazy busy around here for the past month. And I don't have much time to post tonight. I have my ultrasound with Dr. Issacs tomorrow at 9:30. I am going to do it tomorrow instead of cd 3. I am spotting so they told me to just come home. They will check my ovaries and teach me how to give myself the injections. Then we are headed to the beach for some very much needed R&R!!! I can't wait. We will be in Orange Beach fromWednesday through Sunday!!!

Updates

It has been a llllllllloooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggg week. I guess you have figured out by now that last cycle was a BFN. The new cycle started last Saturday. Burt came home last Saturday night and we had church activities all day Sunday (I think we got home around 9:30 pm). Then Monday I called Dr. Issacs office and told them I was on cd3. The nurse called me back and said that Dr. I wanted to change some things and that I needed to come in for an appointment. They had an opening Tuesday morning at 9:30. Burt couldn't go b/c he had just come home from his trip to Mobile. I called Mom and got her to go with me. SHe brought Nannie with her. We got there and Dr. I said that I needed to changle from Letrozole/IUI to Injectibles/IUI. My first response was that I didn't want a TV show names after me. He said that he would monitor me very closely to try to assure that wouldn't happen. He said that the drugs with insurance would cost about $1000/month in the US but I could order from a pharmacy in Europe for about $500/month. He said all of his patients order from this lab and that it is completely safe. I was just about to fax all of the paperwork off when my Mom had a wonderful idea. She called a pharmacist family friend to find out how much it would cost through a US retail pharmacy on my insurance. I am taking Repronex by the way. The pharmacist told us the same thing Dr. I had. So we called BCBS MS to find out if they would pay anything if I get the drugs from an European pharmacy. They said they wouldn't but to tal to my Mail Order Pharmacy Specialist who deal with Fertility drugs. So they transferred me to Veronica. She was super nice. Apparently, if I order these drugs through the mail order program they are covered. Guess how much????

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$35

Including Sharps containers, band-aids, alcohol swabs, needles, syringes, and FREE OVERNIGHT shipping. All of my drugs came in today. I had to verify everything yesterday!!! That is $35 for a 3 month supply by the way. God is so good!!!!!

I have taken a pic of all the meds but I can't download them yet. Maybe tomorrow!!!!

But there is one drawback. I have to sit out this cycle b/c I just got the meds today (cd 6) and I have to start on cd3. Pray for patience!!!

12dpiui

Still negative. Although I got a really strange evaporation line on the test this morning. Trust me I know it is an evaporation line. I am NOT reading anything into this. I wish I could take a picture. It is just as dark as the control line but it is curved. It is really neat. Trust me....just evaporation. It was still negative when I left for work an hour after I took it.

I am much better today. I am coping and moving on. My devotion this moving was about being angry and that is is OK. That as Christians so many times we are told not to get angry. But the Bible says that when we get angry cry out to God and tell Him what angers us. I did that last night and I feel tons better today. Thank you all for your prayers.

Thank you also for the prayers for my friend Carrie. Her surgery went as well as could be expected. There was no cancer in her lymph nodes!!! Praise Be To God!!!! Hopefully, she will come home from the hospital tomorrow.

Pray for the teens from our church at M-Fuge with Burt. They are having an incredible time!!! BUT a stomach virus has broken out at the camp. Several people are sick. Luckily it seems to be a virus that comes quick and goes away fairly quick.

Today is my grandmother's 81st Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANNIE!!!!

11dpiui

Please keep my friend Carrie in your prayers. She has stage 2 breast cancer. She had a double mystectomy today.

Negative again. I had a breakdown this morning. A complete breakdown. I think I needed it. I cried and prayed and cried some more. I am just tired. Tired of tests, Tired of procedures, Tired of month after month of negative tests. It has been almost 4 year. I am just 2 months shy of 4 years. I am better tonight. I am ok and resound to the fact that it is negative. I haven't given up all hope. I know I still have a few days for it to turn positive. Thanks Amberly for talking me through my craziness today. I have officially lost my mind by the way. Why does it have to be this hard????

One of the songs on the side of my blog says it best:

David Crowder Band - All I Can Say

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

I wish You'd remember

Where you sat it down

Chorus:

And this is all that I can say right now

And this is all that I can give

Bridge:

I didn't notice You were standing here

I didn't know that

That was You holding me

I didn't notice You were cry'n too

I didn't know that

That was You washing my feet

Happy Father's Day....

....to all you Dads out there!!!

Today is 9dpiui and I broke down and took a test this morning. It was negative. I would expect it to be this early though. Maybe tomorrow.....

We are headed out to the lake with some friends right now. I'll check in on everyone later!!!

8dpiui

The wait is getting harder!!! It is the worse now than I think it has ever been...in 4 years!!!! I did take a test today....an OPK. I just wanted to see what it would show. Has anyone else ever done this? The second line was pretty dark but not as dark as the control line.

I will test tomorrow. Burt is leaving at 6:00 am Monday to take the Youth to M-Fuge in Mobile and will not be home until next Saturday. So not only will I have to spend a week home alone (I was supposed to go) but I will either find out I'm pregnant or not by myself this week. Of course, I will let you know with each and every test I take.

6dpiui

Hanging in there. Going nuts!!!! Will this 2ww ever be over. It seems to be crawling.......

From Proverbs 31 Ministries

God, Could You Please Hurry?
Amy Carroll

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
Ecclesiastes 3: 11 (NIV)

Devotion:
Those of us that have lived in rural areas know that tractors on the road are a fact of life. However, just because they are a fact of life doesn’t make them any less irritating if you’re in a hurry! I followed a tractor down one of our narrow two-lane roads recently. At one point I completely lost my patience for its pace and started yelling (unheard—thank goodness), “Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!” It didn’t speed up the tractor at all.

How many times have I approached God’s timing the same way? And it never hurries Him up either.

I admit God often does not operate at a pace that pleases me, and I want Him to hurry, hurry, hurry! I’m thinking Sarah, Abraham’s wife, felt the same way. After waiting 10 years for a baby that God had promised Abraham (read Genesis 12-21 for the complete story), Sarah decided to “help” God. Surely 10 years was too long for anybody to wait. So Sarah gave her maidservant Hagar to her husband, and the two of them had a child. Soon the two women were at odds. Talk about a soap-opera! Finally, fifteen years later, the child promised by God to Abraham and Sarah was born. God was not late. His timing was perfect. It was Sarah who was in a hurry and rushing things, but she found out that there was a price to pay for manipulating her circumstances.

I know Sarah and I are not alone in our desire for God to hurry up. I once heard it said that we are people with gods on our wrists.

In Isaiah 55:9, God says, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (NIV) God’s timing is part of His ways. I may be tapping my watch, but He is never late. He may seem slow, but He is always right on time.

Has God made a promise to you that is slow in coming? Has He planted a dream in your heart that has yet to come to fruition? Don’t give up hope! God is faithful, and you can rely on His perfect timing. Fix your eyes on Him and enjoy the journey to your destination. There are things to be learned along the way that will enhance the joy of a promise fulfilled.

Dear Lord, sometimes I don’t understand your timing. It’s often very hard to wait, but I trust You. I want to rely on Your ways and Your timing. Help me to learn what I need to learn as I wait. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Psalm 115:1

Not to us, O LORD, not to us, But to Your name give glory Because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth.

IUI #4

I had IUI #4 yesterday. Everything went well. Burt's count was 318 million...which was GREAT!!! I had a new nurse (or at least new to me) doing my IUI yesterday. They were super busy. Apparently the other nurse nor Dr. Isaacs ever made a note in my chart that my cervix is tilted and the only way you can find it is if you stand up. She was really nice and even let me stop and take a break. She had to completely reinsert the speculum 4 times. That is counting all of the rearranging she did while she was in there. Unbelievably though, I haven't spotted any and I did with the last two IUIs. She said I had a lot of mucous in there. She even had to clean it out. But she said that was a good thing. One the 1st IUI they said the same thing. Maybe we are seeing some similarities....some good similarities. Burt and I spent the day in Jackson playing after the appointment. I had some shopping to do. I have to go to a wedding shower and a baby shower next Saturday. I will keep you posted on what happens this week. It will be a long 9 days until I start testing.

Good News

Oh, it has been such a long week.....

Monday I worked 10 hours with Burt (he works 4 - 10 hr days). Well, I didn't actually work WITH him; we just rode together. Then after work we went to the DCDC farm and did some work. We do their computer work/web page. After that we went to Wal-Mart. We finally got home about 8:00, cooked supper, and did the normally nightly routine.

Tuesday I went to the dentist to get my permanent crown - OUCH!!! Glad that's done. I also had to have a filling done between two teeth and while he was in there he saw a tooth next to the filled one that had some holes in the enamel and so he fixed those for free.

Wednesday I was super busy at work. I went in at 7:00 am and left at 7:20 pm. I pulled in my driveway and saw Burt in the pasture and one of my horses was on the ground. I went running out there. My Beauty girl was colicing. We were up all night with her, but thankfully she is doing much better today.

Today I got to work at 6:45 this morning. I left at 4:30 to come home and take a nap. I was exhausted from yesterday and I had a meeting at 7:00 tonight. I just got home.

Also, today.......

I GOT A POSITIVE OPK!!!!!!!

I am so super excited. This has only happened one other time in the 4 years we have been trying and that was with IUI #1 which was also my last miscarriage. I think we were not getting the IUI timing right with the trigger shot. I noticed yesterday that I was starting to get some fertile cervical mucous, but just a little bit. My OPK was FAR from positive so I thought that I would probably need to have an ultrasound done on Friday before going into the weekend just to check on some things. This morning I decided that I needed to call and book the ultrasound for tomorrow. I took my OPK at 5:30 and it was negative (Clearblue Digital) but the second line was so pronounced. I knew I was getting close. Had it not been a digital test I MIGHT would have called it positive myself. So I held my tee tee until 10 am and took another one at work. And low and behold IT WAS POSITIVE!!!! Praise God!!! You just don't know how much of a relief it is!!!!! So IUI #4 is scheduled for 10:00 in the morning. Keep us in your prayers!!!

Nothing New

Nothing new around here. It's hot...very hot!!!

I feel like all I ever have to post about is my infertility. I wish there was more. We were busy this weekend. We worked in the yard Friday night and went to my friend's daughter's graduation party on Saturday and then to a crawfish boil at the club. My friend's daughter just won the International Science Fair!!! Kudos to Natalie!!!

Today we went to church and then I came home and crashed. I have no idea why but I am exhausted. I should not be but I am. I slept for like 3 hours. I probably won't sleep tonight.

Well, since I have nothing else to write about - today is cd 11. Sometime this week I should have another IUI. Please pray specifically that I get a positive on my OPK. In my mind, I think the trigger shot has had something to do with the IUI not working the past two months. Only in my mind though...

Dentist

I have never cared for the dentist. I used the same one growing up - all my life - until I got married. I have used the same dentist here in Greenville for the past 6 years. I love both dentists - as a person. I just hate someone working inside my mouth - I guess because it is such a sensitive area and I can't see what they are doing.

I had to get a crown today. Well, at least the temporary. I will have to go back next Tuesday to get the permanent. My mouth wouldn't numb so I had to have 6 shots. I still don't have all of the feeling back yet and I had the work done at 8:00 this morning.

I am tired tonight. I just feel drained. The heat is not helping. It is so incredibly hot here and it is only May. It is going to be a very long, hot summer. Church was GREAT tonight. My pastor's sister and her family were there. They are missionaries to India. It was neat to here their stories about how God is moving among the Hindu and Muslim people!!!!

We taped a video skit after church tonight with the youth. If it gets edited in time it will be played Sunday in church. It is to Casting Crown's "We Are the Body".

I need everyone to pray for me. I have been having the most powerful worship services with God on the way to work in the mornings - listening to The Message on XM Radio but I am having a hard time doing my personal Bible Study at home. It seems there is never any time and I am having trouble making time. I guess I'm just in a slump. I can't find any good material to study by. Nothing seems to "fit" my life right now. I finished "Moments for Couples Who Long for Children" several months ago and have been having trouble ever since. Any suggestions?

Today is cycle day 7. No side effects from the increased dosage of Letrozole yet.

Happy Memorial Day

Well, I guess you have figured out by now that last month was a no-go. I called Dr. Isaacs office on Thursday and he decided to up my dosage of Letrozole to 5 mg on days 5-9? Has anyone out there taken 5mg? Why was your dosage increased? I didn't get to talk to my regular nurse. I may try to call back and see what the logic behind the increase is since I had such good follicles.

I had a crazy busy week last week. We opened the pool at the tennis club on Saturday and I spent all week getting ready for it - including cleaning the pool. The club manager left the country for 4 weeks and failed to let the pool guy know when the pool would be opened. He also asked her a question about his pay before she left and she said she would get back to him and never did so he thought we let him go and so he didn't take care of the pool for a week and it turned black. But all went well on Saturday!!!!

Mom came and brought Noah on Saturday and KK came on Sunday. We had a GREAT time with them. Noah went swimming a lot. We bought him a kiddie pool for our house. He calls it "The Pond". We cooked out today. Well, let me rephrase that. I cooked out today. Mom cleaned my house and KK and Burt sat on the back porch. Burt was up all night Friday and Saturday grilling Boston Butts for a fundraiser.

Oh and today is cd 5 by the way!!!

12dpiui

Negative

It was faintly positive until Saturday. I guess it just took a while this month to get the trigger out. I guess it could still turn positive, but I'm not feeling very optimistic.

Updates

Not much is happening in my world. Just waiting....waiting....waiting.....The story of my life.

Let me get you caught up. Let's see what has happened in my world.

Last Friday I woke up queasy. I know what you're thinking - but remember that it was only 3dpiui. I was sick on my stomach until about 7 pm. I threw up several times and couldn't stay out of the potty. We drove home to see Mom (3.5 hours) in all of this. We got to Meridian around 6:00 and went to Eli's baseball game. Luckily, I only threw up once at the game. Saturday we took it easy and played with Eli and Noah and went shopping with Mom, Amy, and Todd. Sunday was, of course, Mother's Day. It was nice. I only cried once and it was in the shower. I teared up a few times but I only lost it once. I even made it through Mother Recognition and Baby Dedication at church. They recognized the graduates at church too. Anna Kate was recognized. She is graduating from 3 year old kindergarden tonight. Aunt Bet had to take her all the way down ion front of the church. After church we cooked out with the family and then played with Eli, Noah, Anna Kate, and Essi at Nannie and Papaw's until 7:00. I didn't want to leave. We were having such a good time.

Monday after work I had a board meeting at the tennis club.

Tuesday I had a pool committee meeting at the tennis club.

Last night I gave a final and tonight I am giving a final. This semester is OVER TONIGHT!!!! :)

I have been cheating and taking tests. I took one Tuesday and it had a very faint second line. I know it is the trigger shot still getting out of my system. I took another yesterday and the second line was even fainter. I took another one today and it is barely even there. I figured it would be completely gone by now. Today is 9 dpiui. I will take another one in the morning. Last time an IUI worked I got a very faint positive on 10 dpiui and BFP on 11 dpiui. I didn't trigger that time though.

Quick Update

Just a quick update before I run off to work.

I went Monday at 2:30 and had another ultrasound and then a trigger shot. I had no follicles on the left side but the right look great. I had 2 on the left side - a 23 mm and a 16 mm. The 16 mm is INSIDE the 23 mm. Has anyone ever heard of this or know anything about it?? Any information would be greatly appreciated. My lining was at 8. I went in yesterday morning at 7:00 and had the IUI so now I guess we are in the 2ww!!!

If I don't get to blog again before I head out of town on Friday
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!
Have a wonderful day!!

Ultrasound Results

I have been in limbo with the ultrasound results. Dr. Isaacs was not there so one of the nurses did the ultrasound for me. She was really through. But they were going to have to send the results to Dr. I and see what he says. They told me if I don't hear from them over the weekend to come back Monday at 2:30 for the IUI. Here are the results:

Lining - 7mm

Right Ovary
1 egg at 11 mm
1 egg at 8 mm
6 more under 10

Left Ovary
1 egg at 14 mm
1 egg at 10 mm
7 more under 10

I really, really, really hope I ovulate from both ovaries. My left tube was once blocked so I am always afraid it is blocked again. After last month when everything was perfect and I didn't get pregnant and I knew that I only ovulated from the left side - I am really afraid it may be blocked again.

Please keep us in your prayers this weekend. I will let you know what happens Monday. I really hope I get another ultrasound before the IUI.

Burt went to Deer Camp for a meeting today. I am going to work for a bit and then to a crawfish boil at a co-workers house. I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL weekend and it is not stormy wherever you are. We had 3 tornadoes touch down very close to Greenville last night. 1 was 30 minutes west of here and then came through G'town and then 1 came through here and touched down about 30 minutes North of here and then another one touched down about 30 minutes east of here.

cd 12

Negative OPK. Ultrasound scheduled for Friday at 10:30 to check on ovulation!!!!

Lazy Saturday

Well at least it was supposed to be. We worked in the yard last night when we got home. I went to bed about 11:00. It had started thundering at 9:00 and nothing had happened so I went on to bed. At 2:15 this morning a huge storm hit. We didn't have any damage but we didn't get much sleep. I was awake from 2:15 until about 4ish with the storm and then I couldn't go back to sleep. It was still raining at 10:00 this morning. We went and helped a friend of ours plant an orchard about 10:30. Yes, an orchard. She is French and has always dreamed of living on an orchard. She is divorced and has just bought 3.5 acres of land. What originally started out an 10 trees turned into 27 trees, 5 blackberries, 6 blueberry plants, 8 muscadines and a few other things. We were happy to help but we exhausted when we were done. After that we went to Lowe's to pick up a few things for our house and then came home and took a nap. Whew!!! What a day.

On the TTC front, today is cd8. I cheated a little this month. I took my Letrozole on cd 3-7 instead of 5-9. I have done this before in the past and I ovulated a little earlier that cd 17. I hope so this month. We'll see. Keep us in your prayers. This will be a long week for us. I will start the OPK on Monday and hopefully will have another IUI sometime next week!!!

Here's some pics of Noah I took 2 weeks ago when they were here visiting.

Notice the Mr. Potato Head Sunglasses!!!


























Gotta go for now!! Burt is grilling steaks and corn on the cob for dinner and it smells YUMMY!!!

13dpiui

Same song, second verse.

Still negative. Started spotting.

12dpIUI

Yep, still negative.

Thanks so much for all your prayers. Keep them coming!!!!

I want to kinda share in a little more detail the feelings and emotions that I have been feeling. Thanks so much Amberly and Celeste for all of your encouraging words.

I feel selfish. I have been so blessed. I wonder sometimes if I haven't thanked God enough for all of the many blessings in my life - for all of the gifts He has given me. I feel selfish for asking for yet something else.

I fell guilt. Guilt for the faithlessness that I have sometime have with God that this is never going to happen for me. I feel guilt for not being able to give my husband the 5 children he wants.

So many things are going through my mind. It seems like God only works on one thing at a time. we finally found out why I am not ovulating...then I miscarried...He pulled me through...found the first blood disorder....couldn't get pregnant...changed medications...fixed the mucous problem...still no pregnancy.....added IUI...finally pregnant...miscarried....for additional blood disorder....can't get pregnant.

I still have a glimmer of hope. I sill have a few days before this cycle is over. I am emotionally better today than I was yesterday. we'll see what tomorrow brings.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” - Mary Anne Radmacher

11dpiui

Well, BFN....again.

I come to you with a broken heart tonight. At 11dpiui with my last IUI, I had my BFP. Today - nothing. Not even an evaporation line. One side of me says "Shut up crazy girl - it's still early" and the other side says "Face It. It's Over". I am crying as I type. I know it may still be early. I have a friend who didn't get her BFP until 13dpiui. I am crampy and weepy though - so I know AF is on the way. I am so depressed. I came home an hour ago and have been in bed ever since. I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a long, long time. Please God, Please!!!

Why can't I have the one thing I want more than anything in this world. How can women, teenagers, get pregnant "accidentally" and even better "while on the pill" and I can time everything perfectly under the best conditions and I still can't seem to get pregnant.

Please pray for me tonight and tomorrow. Please pray hard for a BFP!!!!

Oh and I've Been Tagged
And it's a first for me too!!! I was tagged by Celeste to play a "who are you?" game. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people, posts their names, and then leaves a comment on their blogs, letting them know they've been tagged!

What Was I Doing Five Years Ago?
I was in graduate school at Delta State University pursuing a Master’s of Business Administration with a CIS emphasis.

Five things on my to do list today (or things I did today):
1) Go to CVS and buy more HPT.
2) Take more HPT
3) Stop stressing about HPT
4) Make out my test for class tomorrow night
5) Watch “Dancing with the Stars”

Five snacks that I love
1) Oreo Cream Pie
2) Cinnamon Toast
3) Chips and Kroger Brand French Onion Dip
4) Now & Laters
5) Triscuits & Ranch Dressing

Five Things I would do If I were a Billionaire
1) Tithe and Give
2) Buy Burt his own hunting club
3)Pay off all the debt me, my sister and Mom “might” owe (I don’t know if they do or not)
4) Invest
5) Save

5 bad habits I have:
1) Calling Burt names (just joking around - but sometimes it does hurt his feelings even though he knows I am only kidding around)
2) Taking HPTs
3) Reading Dr. Google
4) Doing my prayer time and Bible Study at night when I am super tired
5) Retail Therapy

Five places I've lived:
1) Greenville, MS (For the past 6 years)
2) Mississippi College, Clinton, MS (College Years)
3) Enterprise, MS (born and raised)
4) Salzburg, Austria (Spring semester 2001)
5) Cloud 9 (The last time I got a +HPT)

Five Jobs I've Had
1) Part-time Programmer/Analyst (WorldCom)
2) Bioinformaticist/IT Specialist (USDA)
3) Adjunct Professor (Mississippi Delta Community College)
4) Resident Assistant (MC)
5) Receptionist (Baptist Healthplex – Mississippi College)

Five people I want to know more about (a nice way of saying TAG):
1) Amberly Collins
2) Stephanie
3) Debbie
4) Maggie
5) Meg

10 dpIUI

BFN

Great Weekend

I have had a WONDERFUL weekend. Friday morning I went to Jackson to get my progesterone checked. It was greater than 20 which is what Dr. Isaacs office likes to see one week post-IUI!!! I had to drive 4 hours round-trip for a two second blood draw!!! Oh well, whatever it takes.

Mom came on Friday night and brought Eli and Noah. We had a GREAT time. We played outside all day yesterday. I miss those boys so much!!!

I'm hanging in there and waiting. I took a pregnancy test Friday, yesterday and today. The trigger shot is officially out of my system. It was really faint on Friday, much fainter yesterday, and only one line on the stick today. That is GREAT news. Now, if, I get a positive test I can be sure I am pregnant and that it is not the lingering effects of the trigger shot. I am so nervous about this week. I so hope I am pregnant. Last time I got a positive it was "really" faint, almost non-existent, on 10dpIUI and then very positive on 11dpIUI. Today is 9dpIUI!!!

IUI yesterday

Yesterday was quite eventful. Our IUI appointment was at 10:00. Burt did his thing and then the lab tech did her thing and then about 11:15 they called me back. I was surprised because usually Dr. Isaacs nurse Peggy does his IUIs, but he did it on Friday. Other than the uncomfortableness from speculum, I didn't feel a thing. I didn't even feel the catheter or the long cramp when they inject the sperm. I was SHOCKED. I had to ask him if he actually did it and of course I didn't believe him, so I asked Burt!!!

We left the office about 12:00 and headed to Kyoto's for lunch. As soon as they started cooking our food, the power went out and then we heard some loud noises and then the pressure in the building was so strong. We pulled back the blinds and saw a whole tree fly down the road about the cars. There was a tornado right above us. It was so scary. I am shaking now just typing about it.

Today we helped some friends move from one house right down the road from us to another one right down the road on the other side of us. Tonight we rode down the levee to look at the flooding water for a while. They are closing the levee tomorrow. Burt can go up there b/c he has to. He has been rising the levee everyday for two weeks and will continue to for about another 2 weeks looking for weak spots in the levee. He said we could go up there later this week when it gets to its highest point. You have to remember that our house butts up to the levee. We are not scared. It is only at 55' now and is only supposed to get to 56' and the levee at our house is supposed to withstand 72'. As long as it doesn't completely break in some part of town we are all fine. Now the people who built their houses inside the levee are already flooded - BIG TIME.

Please pray for us over the next two weeks as we wait - most of you know how difficult that is. I will have my progesterone checked onm Friday. I actually had Dr. Isaacs laughing both days this week. I think he is finally starting to let his guard down with me.

Oh BTW - Normal sperm count is supposed to be 20 million. Burt had 245 million last IUI. This time it was 370 million. Everything was PERFECT!!!!!

cd 16 - OPK negative, but.....

So the OPK was negative this morning. Oh well. My appointment was at10:30. When the OPk came back negative I was really starting to get worried. The ultrasound went great. No signs of ovulation on my right ovary. My left ovary had a follicle measuring 21 - which he said was GREAT! My lining was 9mm - which is also GREAT! They went ahead and gave me a trigger shot and I am to go back in at 10:00 in the morning for an IUI. Please keep us in your prayers!!!

CD 15 - OPK Negative

Still negative. Going to get ultrasound in the morning. Please pray that we haven't missed ovulation.

CD 14 - OPK Negative

Still Negative - Keep praying!!!!

CD 13 - OPK Negative

Still negative. Keep praying.

If no positive by Thursday, I will have an ultrasound Thursday at 10:30 to check for ovulation.

CD 12 - OPK Negative

Still praying for a positive tomorrow.

cd 11

Well, today is cd 11. Negative OPK this morning. I expected as much. It is still a little early. Praying for a POSITIVE tomorrow though!!! I played in a tennis tournament today at the club. It was fun. I played 5 matches (Pro Sets of course) all day. I was only expecting 3 but we kept winning and winning. I am so tired. If we had wont he last one we would have had 1 more to play. I am sunburned and tired. I didn't put on any sunscreen this morning because it was 54 degrees, cloudy, rainy, and COLD. The sun hasn't been out long but I am BURNT!!!!!

cd 8

Today is cd 8. This cycle is dragging on. I guess because I am so ready for the next IUI. I pray that my OPK detects ovulation in time. I am so ready for the next IUI. I am so ready to see what God as in store for us!!! I feel really confident right now about the next pregnancy. Not sure if I feel confident about the IUI, just the pregnancy.

I am sitting in class tonight. My students are taking a test. They are dropping last flies now. We are one week past mid-term and they have finally realized that if the Lab grade if half of their final grade and they haven't turned in a single lab all semester, they are not going to pass. I just want to yell at them sometimes and say "GROW UP"!!!!

I have a horrible headache today. I know it is hormone induced. You just know the feeling of a hormone induced headache. They started out dull on Sunday and have gotten stronger as the week has gone on. But I am suffering through it. Whatever it takes. One more day of these Letrozole pills and then I can start OPK testing!!!!! Pray that I will receive a positive on the OPK next week (preferably Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday)!!! I know, I know. I shouldn't be that specific about it!!!! :)

Oh and get this. My Mom found out today that the parking garage of the hospital where she works has had drug dealers dealing out of the garage...on the floor where my Mom works!!!! She parks on the 4th floor of the garage because their is an access door straight into the floor where she works. She is usually the last one in the garage at night on that floor and she is usually not scared because it is lit up and their is security "around" but today when she left she saw the drug dealers - RIGHT BESIDE HER CAR.....very scary!!!! Out of the entire floor - they parked right next to her. Please pray for her. The DEA has been around undercover trying to catch them, but that is all Mom needs is to walk out on night to the DEA in the middle of a drug bust right beside her car.

We Have Lift-Off

I can't believe it!!! My cycle started. Today is cd 29 if you count the D&C day as Day 1. I can't believe it and it was even a 28 day cycle. Keep us in your prayers. I will start the Letrozole this weekend and the OPK next weekend for a possible IUI the first week in April!!!!

I Stand Amazed in His Presence!!!!!!

WOW!! I am just amazed!!! God never ceases to amaze me!!!

Praise Him When I'm Up!! Praise HIm When I'm Down!!!!

Green Means Go!!!

I have been given the Green Light to go ahead and try again ASAP!! I went to see Dr. Isaacs on Thursday. He said that the tests that he ran showed high levels of polyphospholipid antibodies. This only shows up when pregnant. I will take a baby aspirin every day ;like I have for the past 2 years. As soon as my next cycle starts (hopefully this week - keep your fingers crossed) I can take the Letrozole and do the IUI and then the day I get a BPF I will go to the clinic, confirm it by blood work, and then start taking heparin injections 2 times per day for term plus 6 weeks post-partum. Did we finally find the magic recipe???? I sure hope so. Keep us in your prayers!!!!

We have been gone most of this week. We left on Sunday and got back in late Wednesday. We took the Youth from the church to Petit Jean State Park in Arkansas. We had a BLAST but I am work out. Burt went back to Arkansas on a Men's Retreat last night and left me home alone - in the tornadoes. I showed him. I started a HUGE project that he had to help me with when he got home. We cleaned out the flower beds in the back of the house. We still have the sides and front to go. We removed all the mulch and top soil and pruned plants and planted a few shrubs. We also planted a plant that a friend gave me after the D&C. I planted shrubs, geraniums, Gerber daises, and another plant that I can't remember the name of. I'll post pics soon.... It's not real pretty yet because we have not mulched.

I'm Baack!!!!!

I'm back!! I'm doing well. Still waiting for my pathology report to come back. I went for my post-op appointment yesterday and my doctor was really surprised that my pathology report was not back. He put a rush on it. He told me to expect a call from him any day now. I will let you know when I find out something.

My doctor asked me yesterday to call him when I get ready to go back to Dr. Issacs (fertility specialist). I told him yesterday was good. So they called me with an appointment. I will go next Thursday, the 13th, and start our next "plan". Keep us in your prayers. I have been reading and keeping up with all of you through your blogs but I just haven't had time to comment. I'll try to do that this weekend.

It's Over

The sac at Monday's ultrasound looked GREAT. It had caught up to size. The baby had grown as expected, but there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C yesterday at 9w1d. They are running a whole bunch of chromosomal tests and we are going to run every test possible before I try again. But we are hopeful (even bothe Drs) and we will try again....soon. Most of the tests should be back in 2 weeks.

Response to Comments

Several people have asked if I can find another doctor who is more encouraging and supportive. I will tell you Monday when I walked out of the office I was ready to ask for my Medical Records. There is one other fertility specialist in Jackson. The next closest place would be Memphis which is 2 hours away (about the same distance). As soon as I walked out of the clinic Monday, before I even hit the button for the elevator, I called by OB/GYN. He is the most wonderful man/doctor in the whole world. The last time I miscarried he delayed his family vacation to sit in the lab with me for an hour while we waited for results to come back. He was supposed to call me from home Monday night, but he was on call and had a long night. He did call me back yesterday. I told him that I knew he probably couldn't talk to me since I was under the care of another physician, but he said that he is my doctor and to call him anytime. WE had a long talk. I got some questions answered. I told him that I really didn't like the RE but he did get me pregnant. He said he understood. I explained to him that the only answers I get to my questions from the RE are "Because I'm the Expert, That's Why" or "We'll talk about that next week". He said he understood and that was what he expected from the RE> He explained that I am just a number, only a statistic to the RE. That his whole livelihood depends on the stats coming out of his office. He also explained that RE's work "In the Ivory Tower" meaning they think they are better than everyone else and know everything. He also went on to explain to me that RE's are very scientific and because of that they are very "textbook". Meaning if the textbook says the heartbeat should be visible by 6 weeks and it's not there then the pregnancy is doomed.

So, then I asked about my specific situation. And before I could even start, my doctor said, Beth, you are not a typical case and you have probably freaked him out a bit. Most fertility patients have one maybe two things wrong with them. I am hit from all angles.
So we talked about the heartbeat at 6 weeks and how we didn’t see it and how the RE is “textbook”. Then we discussed the small sac this week. My Ob said that although there could be a problem. Not to dwell on it. Keep it in the back of my head but to hold on to the fact that we saw a heartbeat. There could be multiple reasons why the sac was small and none of them may be important. He said all I could do now is pray and that he and his staff would be praying as well.

So then I asked about the heparin. He said doctors start using it at different times. He likes to see a heartbeat first, but that he didn’t see a problem waiting until 10 or 12 weeks. He said that it is fine for the RE to be rerunning the tests and since the whole disorder is controversial anyway (which I knew) there may not be anything wrong with me. This gene mutation can show up and never affect anything or it can cause BIG problems. So as we were hanging up I asked if I had done everything I could medically. He said yes; all we can do now is pray. So that is what we are doing. Praying for this baby to be healthy and continue to grow and thanking God for everyday we have with him/her.
I thank you all for your support and prayers. Keep lifting them up. WE still have a long way to go!!!!

“Our God is in Heaven; He does what pleases Him.” Psalms 115:3

GROW BABY GROW!!!! GROW SACCY GROW!!!! BEAT HEART BEAT!!!!

8 Weeks with a Heartbeat

We have a heartbeat!!!! I don't know what it measured because my RE doesn't take measurements. He does all of the ultrasounds himself and he said the heartbeat looked good. Unfortunately, he couldn't let me enjoy my moment. The sac is measuring small. I don't know how small b/c once again - no measurements. The baby almost encompasses the entire sac. He is again worried and shocked that the baby grew as much as it did and that we saw a heartbeat. He said that there shouldn't have been a heartbeat. Now he fully expects the heartbeat to disappear in the next few weeks. I have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday at 8:45. Thank you so much for your prayers. Please!! Please!! Keep lifting them up. Now we are praying that the heartbeat continues and that the sac catches up to the baby and that the baby continues growing healthy.

If anyone knows anything or has had any experience with small sac sizes around 8 weeks with a heartbeat, please let me know. I would love any suggestions/commetns that you have.

MY GOD IS THE GOD OF MIRACLES!!!! And I truly believe this sac is going to catch up.

My RE doesn't want to start heparin injections because he doesn't see any reason too. I think he waited too late and now he sees that. He is rerunning all of the tests that I had run after my last miscarriage to see what the results show now. God, please don't take my baby because of the RE's arrogance!!!!!

100th Post - Quick Update

Today is my 100th post. WOW!!!!

I just have a quick update for you today. Tahnk you so much to everyone for you comments/emails/calls and especially your prayers. You all mean so very much to me. I oculd never let you know how much. We still don't know anything. I feel GREAT. Still feel pregnant. Bloated at night. Boobs still hurt during the night and first thing in the mornings. I haven't been updating because I am trying not to dwell on this. I am trying to be positive. I go see the thyroid doctor tomorrow just for a check on my levels. Then Monday is THE DAY!!!! Pray, Pray, Pray!!! That is all I can say or ask of you right now. Pray for my little one. Pray that he/she is healthy and has a beating heart and that we can see it!! Pray for peace for Burt and I as we wait. Some days we can't wait for Monday and on other days we are dreading Monday!!!!

Didn't Go Well Today

When your Doctor looks at you and says, "I'm Worried" you know things aren't good. We saw the sac and the yolk sac inside (which is GREAT considering with my last two miscarriages we never saw the yolk sac). I was so excited b/c even I saw it IMMEDIATELY!!! But there was no heartbeat and we couldn't find the fetal pole. Doc said he's not ready to give up on this pregnancy but he doesn't think it will progress any further. He thinks it has already stopped growing. So, I now have to wait until Feb. 11th to have another ultrasound. At that point it just be completely readable one way or another. If it has not grown anymore then we will do a d&c and then he has some tests he wants to run to see why I can't make it past 6 weeks. He didn't elaborate on this. I guess we'll wait and see. We are really down tonight. Please keep us in your prayers. We really thought the third time was going to be the charm.