Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I am a HORRIBLE friend

OK, Saturday we took the youth from the church canoeing on the Okatoma. I didn't get to canoe. I just rode the bus down and back and Mom met us and we went shopping. The kids had a GREAT time. I wish I could have gone but I didn't know how overstimulated I might be so I didn't want to push myself. There is a little white water on the Okatoma.

Sunday we drove to Laurel to a funeral. Burt's college roommate, Chip's, mother died. She had a massive heart attack on Thursday so we drove down after the IUI on Sunday.

The IUI went well. The count was 408 million - a new record for Burt!!! It was way cool - we got to see the washed sperm under a microscope. They were swimming everywhere!!! Now, let's just hope and pray they met an egg!!!

I have to start Prometrium (200mg 2 x day vaginally - progesterone support) tomorrow!! YUCK!! I remember these from my last pregnancy. I will go back to the doctor on Monday for a progesterone check and then the following Monday (18th) for a pregnancy test. They told me I could cheat beforehand so that I would be prepared for the phone call. I really don't want to drive down there if it is going to be negative.

Now for the post title. I feel horrible. Remember my friend Susan. I directed/decorated her wedding last August. She told me today that she is pregnant. I am super excited for her. I wish I could be more excited though. There is a part of me that is jealous, angry. This was the first month that they "tried". I feel horrible for having these feelings but I can't control them. She was super nice and sensitive when she told me - she was scared to tell me. I handled it well and didn't cry for several hours later - in my car on the way home from work. Why do I have to be jealous?? I hate that word - JEALOUS. It sounds horrible. I know I suffer from infertility for a reason. Maybe it is to get over being jealous of other people. Although I have never thought of myself as the jealous type. Maybe it is as simple as I am now scarred and infertility will always be a part of me.

Of please God let this be my month!!!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.


Tomekia Porter said...

NO you are not a horrible friend! I completely understand where you are coming from! When my best friend called to tell me although I was super excited I still couldn't help but feel sad for myself too! These feelings are normal!

Father God I pray that you will bless this family THIS month with what they so longin for..I pray this in Jesus' Holy Name!

Heather said...

You're not a horrible friend, but I will have a piece of advice. Work really hard to be happy for her and admire the miracle that is being created. They say that if you really want something, you should admire those that have what you want. That jealousy is the opposite emotion you should try to have. Because she has it, you can too. Like an athlete that tries to picture an image of a perfect race - they say that helps - picture that you will be pregnant too. I think this really helped me over the past month. This month of IVF every morning I've sat, closed my eyes and pictured myself pregnant and having the baby I want be born.

Lots of luck!!!!