Friday, August 22, 2008

Heavy Heart

I write tonight with a heavy heart. It has been a long week. Last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I got positive pregnancy tests. I didn't tell anyone. They were faint but definitely positive. Monday I went in for my already scheduled beta. It was 7.2 . I knew it would be low but not that low. Mondays HPT was negative. I was devastated. I knew I was having my 4th miscarriage. The doctors office confirmed it for me. The hardest part was that I got the call while sitting in the hospital room of a friend who had just delivered her baby. Pretty ironic, huh. Dr. I's office told me to come back on Wednesday for a recheck of my hcg levels. I didn't test anymore. Well, Wednesday morning I started spotting brown. I had had some off and on brown spotting since Sunday but nothing bad. Wednesday it was fairly consistent. I knew the news would be bad. But the call came in and my levels actually DOUBLED.....I couldn't believe it, neither could the nurse. She said maybe I had miscarried a twin and that this one implanted late. Wednesday was 17dpiui so even with levels doubling, 16 was not a good number. I started Lovenox anyway. Yesterday brown some red spotting and today I am bleeding. No clots, but a light red bleeding. I go back Monday to recheck the hcg. I know it won't be good. I haven't tested since Thursday. I will test again in the morning. I can't help but think had I started the Lovenox last weekend things might be different.

I am headed home to see Mom for a long weekend tomorrow. I think I am going to buy a new embroidery machine. I have to go back to Dr. I Monday morning for another beta.....

I am so tired. So tired of infertility. So tired of meds and shots and tempting and ultrasounds and triggers and IUIs.....tired. I am so tired of being strong..of feeling like I have to be strong.....

6 comments:

Buford Betty said...

I am so, so sorry you're feeling so down. Please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you! I know you're praying for a miracle here too... but don't forget to BELIEVE in what you're praying for. I'll be thinking of you Monday. I hear ya on the "tired of it." Best wishes...

Celeste said...

Oh sweet Beth,
Although we have still not met in person, I feel like I know you so well. I feel your hurt and am sharing your load through countless prayers that I am lifting in your name.
Sometimes memorizing scripture was all that got and gets me through difficult times, even when I was mad with God.
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all of you who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest."
God says it is okay to be tired, but it is best to be tired in His arms. I don't want to sound preachy at all, b/c I know that is the last thing you need, but I do love you and know that God loves you even more than me or anyone else sharing this planet with you. Call me if you need to.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us. We just have to believe.

Tomekia Porter said...

Although I can't relate to the pain you feel right now I can relate to not wanting to be strong anymore! I often question GOD on why he felt I was strong enough to handle this load! I am terribly sorry and please know that even though it doesn't help to hear it but I am praying for you!

amy said...

I know you do not know who I am.

But I have been following your sacred and honored journey for about a year. I am simply inspired by you, and I am terribly sorry that it did not work this month. You are an amazing woman to continue to try to get that beloved child in your arms. Time after time. I wish and pray for your sorrowful heart. There isn't much else I can do, but please know that you are inspiring to me and the continual ability to keep your faith up.

Thank you for all the faith and power you have.

Amy

Barb said...

I'm so sorry. :(